Love and Birthday

Edward was put into the NICU. I received updates from the doctors on how he was doing. A couple hours later the transfer team let me hold him for a bit and snapped a Polaroid of us before they took him to Children's. Let me tell you, I held on tightly to that picture of me and my baby that whole night and next day. It is the hardest thing in the world to be separated from your brand new baby. I was recovering while he was miles (well just a couple but still..) away. My husband had bonded with him before I did and I was jealous! Seriously, I got a total of like 20-25 minutes with my new baby who wasn't expected to breathe on his own or even make it. I was broken, but trying to act tough. The extent of the current week hadn't yet hit me...... MRI Monday, met with all our docs who told us our baby might not make it due to underdeveloped lungs, chest, neck ect. Tuesday, suggested we be induced, c-section on Friday)

"Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" pic

The next day the hospital gave me a three hour pass to go visit my baby at Children's. I was ecstatic. For six months of my pregnancy we knew he had some joint contractures, but I just figured that was it. I was just going to have to deal with his jaw, wrists, and clubfeet. I never allowed myself to think it could be part of a bigger problem/issue. For six months I lived in a state of blissful ignorance. Yes, it is super hard not knowing what you are going to have to deal with come birth, but there is loads of truth in 'ignorance is bliss'! I tell you this so you can understand the extent of emotion that had built up. Adam called me, after I got back to the hospital, and told me that the doctors think he has a syndrome. Ok. Adam hadn't researched it, nor had I. Then, I did. After I saw some visuals and read some information, I curled up on my hospital bed, hid my face and cried like I never had cried before. I was uncontrollable. I couldn't stop. I was hysterical for hours and hours. Nine months of emotion was coming out. I had feelings of "if I had only waited one more month to get pregnant my baby would not have to deal with this," "why me," "why him," "what about Harvey," "this is all my fault," "all because I wanted to be pregnant again sooooo bad," "I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out," bla.  I was heartbroken. I hadn't really bonded with my baby yet. Adam came from Children's to comfort me. And I just cried. Everybody on that hospital floor must of thought something awful had happened. My face was a swollen balloon. Moving on...

being transferred to the main floor at Children's

The next day I was released to be with my baby. He was in the NICU for three days then he was transferred to the floor. All in all, he was in the hospital for about a week. During those days we saw countless doctors. He had x-rays, ultrasounds, an echo, surveys, physical exams, and various other tests done. We learned that he had dislocated hips, stiff shoulders, neck, face, mouth, pretty much his whole body was/is stiff. He needed a feeding tube. He needs splinting, stretching and surgery. Those days were such a blur of doctors and no sleep.

Finally, we were able to come home. Then reality hit. I was talking to my besty, Tyra, and she said, "I am so sorry. Your life has completely changed." It was then that it really hit me. Wait, your right, my life will never be the same and I don't know how to handle that. I still don't. I mean, I knew my life had changed but the gravity of what I was dealing with still hadn't sunk in. But it is not like our/his life will be terrible now, it will just be hard. Edward is the sweetest blessing! And God has it all under control.

P.S. Happy One Month to my sweetest! It has been a hard month for you, broken arm and all. I love you to pieces and couldn't imagine my life without you, just the way you are. You are my warrior and you will make it through everything with a smile on your face. I am so excited to be your mom! I couldn't love you more.