Monday, May 23, 2011

Slippery Slope

This weekend was interesting. I wrote a post on Saturday and didn't post it. It was probably good that I didn't. I was having a terrible crab-fest day. Ultimately, I was feeling sorry for myself and I was angry. It went like this: "I can't believe this is my life," "everybody else's happiness sucks," "this is not fair," "why can't something good happen," "I wish other people could go through this and feel what I have/am feeling," ect. Luckily, I knew it would pass. I drank myself a diet lime coke and ate myself a bowl of ice cream. That seemed to help.
Edward had a difficult weekend too. Last night, for example, it took me two and a half hours to calm him down and get him to sleep. He has these times where he is just soo uncomfortable and nothing I do seems to help him. By the end of the two and a half hours, I was ready to freaking scream.
Today we have a couple of appointments. One is with the geneticist. We will discuss his DNA results. I know what they are going to tell me, but I don't want to hear it. That will make it final. I think I live in an altered reality. This, unfortunately, will force me to deal with the fact that my baby has a syndrome. I hate thinking, writing, or saying that my little baby has a 'syndrome.' I will get over it, I hope. I like my altered reality. It is like I hear all these bad things but they just pass over me, nothing ever really hits me, until it does. Does that make any sense? Maybe it is not an altered reality. Maybe it is something I do to help me get through the days. But, I have soo much to be thankful for. I really, truly do. I love my boys so very much.

My baby in all his casting/splinting glory! (poor thing)
To be super honest, I am having a hard time accepting that God has given me this. It makes me a tiny bit angry. Which is why, I think, I had such a hard day Saturday. I realized that I am a bit angry at God for giving me this. This sounds absolutely terrible and everybody will probably preach at me. I know that God has a plan for my family and especially for Edward. I KNOW this. And I love the Lord with my whole heart and soul. I am feeling guilty for feeling this way. I know Jesus will walk me through these feelings and help me. I just need to be gracious and accept it with thanks. I thought I had done this already but maybe I just need to keep doing it. Everything will be fine and I will be fine. I was just being honest.

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