I am the mom I never wanted to be. I have the child I never wanted to have. I just got home from a long morning. It started with an eight a.m. pt appointment for Edward and ended at Barnes and Noble, searching for the Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson. Laugh it up. I just feel like I am losing control of my son/life. He is 25 months and he is in the stage where he likes to run away from me while laughing. He thinks he is soooo freaking funny. I find myself chasing him, half laughing myself, in disbelief/embarrassment that I am chasing my freaking 2 year old. Yuck. Everybody tells me that it is just 'his age.' No it is not. I suck. I need my mom to show me how it is done. Be with us the whole day and tell me what to do and how to do it. I always thought I would be a good mom. Seriously, I need to high-five my mom and my grandma! Harvey is seriously awesome an hour before bed and during his nap-time. It is hard.
We have pt three times this week and next week. I think that the whole Edward situation sits in the back of my mind and weighs me down. Whenever I start to feel sad or feel sorry for myself, I immediately push it away. I mean, Edward is awesome and I am so blessed. But it sucks. It really does. I mean, in the grand scheme of things is really doesn't, but. There is just so much. I now have to tape his feet every day. So instead of him being cast every friday, he is in braces and his little feet don't stay in them very well. I have to tape them so they will stay in a good flexed position. I am pretty much 'casting' him everyday. Bla. Yet one more thing to add. I seriously wish he didn't have scoliosis either. I just feel sooooooooo bad for the little guy. Yeah I secretly love that he is sooo small, selfishly, but I really don't like it. It is not right. He should be crawling and moving and eating like any 6 month old. He should weigh 15 lbs instead of 9.
Am I getting what I deserve? I am at the very end of my rope here. I don't even know how to pray in this situation. "In all things give thanks," "all things work together for good to those who love God," "I can do do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Yes, yes, I know. I know, I know. But what am I missing? I can't even go to church without bawling the second the music starts to play. What does it all mean? hahahaha, I sound ridiculous. Time for me to find my 'happy place.' Off to sew.
It's hard to have a baby or kid with medical issues. I imagine it would be harder still to have an older child to deal with on top of everything Edward is brining you. It may be crazy now, but this is going to make you stronger, already has. You don't suck. You've been given a lot to handle and considering you're still at it and haven't run for the hills, I wouldn't call you a failure. You'll figure out the balance. You can do this momma, good days and bad days. Don't dwell on the bad. Tomorrow is a new day and a clean slate.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to tell you, or how to make anything change for the better. But what I can tell you is that I'm praying for you!
ReplyDeleteHaving a kiddo like ours is a roller coaster ride. I have felt your pain. Even now as she is five years old, I have those days. She just got orders to do mouth stretching and exercises and I can't fathom when I will find time to do that. We just got cut back to ten hours of nursing care for her and I am falling asleep on my watch at 8 pm I am so exhausted. At 7 pm I have those panicked moments where I realize I can't recall last time she got a feeding or when she was changed last. That sounds horrible to someone who has never had a special needs child, but it's the reality of the lack of sleep, stress
ReplyDeleteand anxiety that goes with the job. Funny I just noticed that job and Job are the same word....