I am the mom I never wanted to be. I have the child I never wanted to have. I just got home from a long morning. It started with an eight a.m. pt appointment for Edward and ended at Barnes and Noble, searching for the Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson. Laugh it up. I just feel like I am losing control of my son/life. He is 25 months and he is in the stage where he likes to run away from me while laughing. He thinks he is soooo freaking funny. I find myself chasing him, half laughing myself, in disbelief/embarrassment that I am chasing my freaking 2 year old. Yuck. Everybody tells me that it is just 'his age.' No it is not. I suck. I need my mom to show me how it is done. Be with us the whole day and tell me what to do and how to do it. I always thought I would be a good mom. Seriously, I need to high-five my mom and my grandma! Harvey is seriously awesome an hour before bed and during his nap-time. It is hard.
We have pt three times this week and next week. I think that the whole Edward situation sits in the back of my mind and weighs me down. Whenever I start to feel sad or feel sorry for myself, I immediately push it away. I mean, Edward is awesome and I am so blessed. But it sucks. It really does. I mean, in the grand scheme of things is really doesn't, but. There is just so much. I now have to tape his feet every day. So instead of him being cast every friday, he is in braces and his little feet don't stay in them very well. I have to tape them so they will stay in a good flexed position. I am pretty much 'casting' him everyday. Bla. Yet one more thing to add. I seriously wish he didn't have scoliosis either. I just feel sooooooooo bad for the little guy. Yeah I secretly love that he is sooo small, selfishly, but I really don't like it. It is not right. He should be crawling and moving and eating like any 6 month old. He should weigh 15 lbs instead of 9.
Am I getting what I deserve? I am at the very end of my rope here. I don't even know how to pray in this situation. "In all things give thanks," "all things work together for good to those who love God," "I can do do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Yes, yes, I know. I know, I know. But what am I missing? I can't even go to church without bawling the second the music starts to play. What does it all mean? hahahaha, I sound ridiculous. Time for me to find my 'happy place.' Off to sew.